Saturday, April 16, 2005
i totally stumbled my way through,
and said so many wrong words.
and for the conversation,
i actually said overhead bridge,
when i was supposed to say in cheena,"tian qiao"
arrgghhh.wth.
so gonna flunk it man.
after that,
breakfast at macs!
with dyan,sharon and eulynn.
(:
okay.
gonna update about yesterday.
its gonna be pretty long.
and yes,
i think i'm more confident in longarithms now!
:)
friday.
i wasnt in a very good mood larhhs.
i don't know why.
and was feeling quite pissed off too.
had a deep talk with meena during history.
okay.
i know you'll be darn surprised.
of all people,meena?
we both are surprised that we actually could talk to each other.
i guess people who you expect to be there,won't be.
but those you least expected to are actually there.
we talked about so much.
and we sort of went through the same thing more or less.
we also feel the same way about friendships and all.
haiis.
i guess maybe she can understand a lil bit on how i feel?
i felt so much better talking to her,and vice versa.
we almost cried,
the talk was too emotional i guess.
i was just thinking if only one day,
we could be ourselves,
wouldn't it be so perfect?
not thinking about what others have got to say about you,
or what they think about you.
you can be who you are.
and live your life the way you want it to.
i'm sick of everything,
from myself,
to my life,
to everybody.
i'm sick of facing people with that mask.
its unreal.
its not me.
but what choice do i have?
i have to bring myself to smile,
even though my insides are breaking.
so as to please everyone.
if you don't smile,
they think you're unfriendly.
if you don't acknowledge their prescence,
they'll think you're dao.
then they would be pissed.
and there will be a quarrel.
typical isn't it?
i can't stand my life.
i can't stand the pressure.
i have people saying,
"aiiyarhh,you have no problem in your studies one larhh,your this test get so high,that test get so high,etc."
what do they know?
what do they understand?
i'm not perfect.
if i can't cope,means i can't sope.
does it matter if one of my test get high marks.
will it help?
does it mean i will get high marks for the rest?
no.
why can't they understand a lil.
everytime i hear such a thing,
i get pissed.
but i can't show it.
if not people will come to me and say i have changed.
i seem to be losing myself,
losing my true self,
and becoming a new whole total hypocrite.
maybe i choose to run away.
that's why i don't wanna face up to the problem,
i know it doesn't help.
but what can i do?
people who i thought really cared,
don't even listen.
don't even understand.
maybe there's no such thing as friends.
aren't they supposed to be listening?
isn't it supposed to be a give and take thing?
but why are they taking and not giving?
maybe,i am also not giving.
that's why things will turn out this way.
and all my pain.
i wanna be numb.
so that i don't feel a thing,
so that i won't shed a tear.
so that i won't become weak.
year 2005 sucks.
there's never a good thing that happened once.
i haven't be truly happy.
or really truly be able to smile.
there are so many things that happened.
so many drifts occuring.
haiis.
we're just actors living in this hypocritical world/